Circle The Hard-Ons

Let’s get one thing straight, right up front, media critics are, for the most part, cunts.  The professionals are mostly just frustrated wannabe screenwriters or, even worse, directors.  They want to be in the business so bad they can taste it.  The other half, the fanboys (hello, that’s me) spend their time bitching about how “Blah-Blah-Blah is not the movie I would have made.”  So, understand, they have all been sharpening their pens and buffing their hard-ons, waiting for Marvel to stumble.  At long last, the Marvel Netflix series, Iron Fist has come along and fallen into the trap.

Now, to be fair, Iron Fist is not the shit stinking gut-wagon of vulture puke awfulness that critics are calling it, but Lord, it ain’t good.  There’s plenty wrong with this sugar sprinkled turd.  Rather than pound out another vitriolic review, I’ll just hit the highlights and then get on with my actual reason for writing.

  • The main character is an insufferable cunt.  (Any bets on which member of The Defenders is the first to smack the shit out of this petulant pecker gnat?)
  • Danny Rand is the master of his emotions.  Except in every other scene where he is having a mental breakdown and absolutely losing his shit.
  • Finn Jones (Danny Rand/Iron Fist) looks more like a Hacky Sack champion than a martial artist.  Would it have killed him to hit a gym?  You know, like every other actor who got the lead role in a Marvel production?  Dude looks like he ought to be selling roofies at Coachella, not defending the city of K’un-Lun.
  • Neither Finn Jones nor Jessica Henwick (Colleen Wing) can convince me that they are martial artists.  They lack poise and look uncomfortable in the fight scenes.  Beyond that, Henwick simply doesn’t have the muscle tone to knock out larger opponents.  We’re back to the whole Marvel casting pixie women thing, again.
  • The pacing was glacial.
  • The writing was insipid.
  • The dialog was flat.
  • The villains were boring.
  • There was the whole Whitewashing thing which could have been overcome by A.) casting an Asian actor (possibly one with muscle tone and martial arts skills) in the role of Danny Rand or B.) having multiple characters give Danny shit for being a douchebag outsider who stole the Iron Fist and took it back to the West to protect his white family.
  • The fight scenes were poorly choreographed.
  • For a living weapon, Danny Rand sure does get popped in the chops a lot.  It seems like everybody gets to land at least one punch on the Iron Fist.  It’s like a carnival game.  “Hit the Iron Fist three times and win a prize!”
  • And, most unforgivable of all, Danny Rand/Iron Fist is pitted against The Hand and yet we don’t get to see one single ninja battle.  We don’t even get to SEE a ninja!  What the Billy blue fuck was that all about?!!!


I keep waiting for him to say, “Well, actually…”

Now, that that’s out of the way…

Did I enjoy Iron Fist?  Yes, just not very much and not nearly as much as I wanted to.  Did I enjoy writing a bad review for it?  No, not at all.  And that’s the big deal here.  I don’t enjoy writing murder pieces on bad superhero media.  Not one bit.  Sure, I like to come off as a big clever muckraker.  It feels good to be a savage with a keyboard, sometimes.  But I would much rather use my powers for good.

See, I want to write positive reviews because I want the films and shows I watch to actually be good.  I don’t enjoy watching Hollywood hacks slaughter the heroes of my youth.  I don’t get a hard-on slagging Zack Snyder for the ham-fisted way he murdered the Man of Steel.  I’d rather see him make a good Superman film and then be able to write a glowing review of it and drag everyone I know to see it and just generally hyperventilate over it.  I don’t want Marvel to succeed and DC to fail or vice versa.  I want them both to be towering successes the likes of which mankind has never witnessed.

So, for all of you supposed fans out there who are drooling and touching yourselves as you write your murder pieces on Iron Fist, remember not to get too excited because Marvel dropped the ball.  This isn’t a cause for celebration.  You didn’t win one, here. Hollywood just fucked us all, yet again by getting it wrong, yet again.   More importantly, if you take such delight in watching someone fail, perhaps comic books were never the right medium for you in the first place.

Look at me, I’m a living weapon!





R T Kraken!

Prior to becoming a professional curmudgeon and the Scourge of the Northern seas, R.T. Kraken worked as an artist and a photographer. He has been an avid comic book fan since he was spawned as well as an insufferable know-it-all.
He also sings for the Supra-70s band, RIFLE.
Dig it.

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