By now everyone has seen the odious images of Captain America hailing Hydra. Right now, Joe Simon and Jack Kirby are spinning in their graves while Marvel makes money off of this cynical, shortsighted maneuver. Plenty of people, myself included, have already raked Marvel over the coals for this soulless, witless, mercenary bit of harlotry. ‘Nuff said. That’s not why I’m here. I actually have some good news. You see, that douchebag in the red white and blue togs, hailing Hydra and desecrating our beloved hero, that’s not Captain America.
Yeah, yeah, I know Marvel has said it’s no hoax and I know that author Nick Spencer has assured us it’s really Steve Rogers. They are full of shit. Captain America: Civil War made a billion dollars in three weeks. It stomped a mud hole in Batmurder v Supermeh: Dawn of Franchise and may well be the biggest film of the summer. There is no way that Marvel is going to poison that franchise by making Steve Rogers a secret Nazi. It’s all a hoax. And I know how they did it.
Reread issue #1 of Steve Rogers: Captain America , more closely. Nothing adds up. Early on, Cap gets into a brawl on a train with some low-level Hydra goons. He has trouble taking them all out until the perfect dramatic moment. Then he confronts Hydra suicide bomber, Robbie Dean Tomlin sitting in the engineer’s seat. Steve tries and fails to talk Tomlin out of detonating the explosive vest he is wearing. Tomlin commits suicide and Cap is inexplicable thrown clear of the train.
After all of this carnage, cap has only a small head wound to show for it; small enough, in fact, to be covered with a regular band-aid. This is odd considering the fight he has been through and the explosion he has just survived. Sharon Carter even mentions “(T)he beating” he just took. As Sharon is tending to Cap’s wounds he has this to say:
“I used to look in the mirror and not recognize the ninety-year-old, and now I don’t recognize this—especially when I’m moving. It’s got me…out of sorts.”
Sharon responds with a quip about the Cosmic Cube and then tells cap, somewhat prophetically, that it’s all in his head. I say prophetically, because that’s what I believe is going on here. See, this retcon just doesn’t work; nope, not at all. They want us to believe that Steve Rogers is a life long Hydra member who had a drunken bum for a father. Nope. That’s a clumsy rewrite…courtesy of The Cosmic Cube.
That’s right, this isn’t Steve Rogers, it’s an inept copy produced by the Cosmic Cube to keep Baron Zemo at bay. Just in time for Captain America’s 75th anniversary, Steve Rogers, devoid of powers and weapons, found himself defending the all-powerful Cosmic Cube from Crossbones…in a bowling alley. Steve faced what looked like certain death to keep the Cube, which had taken the form of a helpless young girl (Kobik), from falling into the hands of Baron Zemo and his minions. When all seemed lost, Kobik restored Steve’s Super Soldier powers and he proceeded to soundly stomp Crossbones’ ass.
At least that’s what appeared to happen. What I maintain happened is something like this. Through some sort of goofy comic book logic, Kobik produced an imperfect Steve Rogers doppelganger at the moment that Steve was fighting off Crossbones. The fake Steve is now roaming around with phony memories, no doubt put there to lead Zemo astray. Meanwhile, the real Steve Rogers is still with the Cosmic Cube, standing guard vigilantly. Kobik has manipulated reality to keep herself safe; clever. Marvel has manipulated the readers, the continuity and Cap’s good name just to gin up the profits; clever.
This explains the fake memories. This explains how Captain America is suddenly indestructible. This explains why Cap is so uncomfortable in his own skin. This explains it all. We’ve been hoodwinked. It’s a cynical cash grab and we all fell for it. Six months from now everything will be back to business as usual. Except Steve’s good name has been besmirched and the beautiful thing that Joe Simon and Jack Kirby gave us all those years ago is now a little bit dirty…a little bit less special. So, yeah, I’m glad I figured it out. Aren’t I clever? Isn’t Nick Spencer clever for fooling us all? Sometimes being clever just isn’t that special.
For another rant about Captain America, read THIS.
For a sappy feel good piece about the Star Spangled Avenger, go HERE.
He also sings for the Supra-70s band, RIFLE.