Because the world runs on spoilers, some witless git at Gamestop Italy has leaked the artwork for The next Batman Arkham game, Batman: Return to Arkham. Wait, what? The next game in the Arkham series? Didn’t the last game in the Arkham series pretty much wipe its ass with the Batman and bury him in an ignoble ash heap?
The good news is, the game is produced by Rocksteady, the folks that gave us Batman: Arkham Asylum and Batman: Arkham City. The bad news, is the game is produced by Rocksteady, the folks that gave us Batman: Arkham Knight. You remember that gorgeously rendered, richly textured turd wagon, don’t you? I’m sure there were some numb-nutted ninnyhammers out there who were touching themselves in their mother’s basement and thinking, “You know what the next Batman game needs? Fucking tank battles, dude!” For the rest of us though, those of us who finished the fourth grade on the first try, it was like a fist rape in the dream hole.
Who is left to play this game, anyway? Christ on a rubber crutch, the last game was like a prom night abortion. Tank battles, everywhere. And chase scenes with APCs that all handle like Le Mans cars with Nico Hülkenberg at the wheel. And who can forget the thrills of playing the Riddler’s Smash Cart game (how’s that for suspension of disbelief?) under the streets of Gotham. Yeah, Gotham, not fucking Arkham!
Why the hell did that pecker-neck Jason Todd call himself The Arkham Knight, anyway? What sense does that even make? He should have been the Gotham Knight. He was there to destroy Gotham, not Arkham. Arkham had practically nothing to do with the game and less to do with Jason’s backstory. Is marketing the only thing in the world that matters, these days? Do the folks at Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment think we’re all so knuckle dragging stupid that we won’t know to buy a game if they put Batman’s mug on the cover without the word “Arkham”? Does anyone else feel like their intelligence is being insulted? Does anyone else think that insulting the intelligence of as many people as possible seems to be the entire Warner Bros. strategy when it comes to anything that involves DC characters? Are you tired of having your nose rubbed in shit and then being told you’re just a whiney old “fanboy”? Sigh.
Anyway, they kind of broke my heart last time out. I really want to just ignore this game and keep my money in my pocket. The sad thing is, if Kevin Conroy does Batman’s voice, I’ll probably fall in line like everyone else and play this thing. At least I’ll get to vent my frustrations while raining down brutal street justice on a bunch of gorgeously rendered, richly textured goons. I wonder what thrilling new feature they will add this time around. Didn’t Batman have a submarine, once? Maybe we can have some submarine battles in Arkham Harbor…uh, I mean Gotham Harbor. Won’t that be big fun?
Anyway, that’s just my opinion. But I’m always right. Mostly.
He also sings for the Supra-70s band, RIFLE.