“If man won’t kill God, the Devil will do it!”
Lex Luthor, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
At this point writing bad reviews for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice seems a lot like beating a dead horse. Actually, it’s like beating a dead horse with another slightly larger dead horse. One that is stuffed full of chloroform soaked rags and gravel. Face it, the film is a flaming train wreck. And that particular train was carrying a cargo of rusty old buttholes through the swamps of New Jersey and it somehow managed to derail onto a bus full of nuns with Tourette Syndrome. It’s like a shit flavored potpie. A turd cupcake with sprinkles. Oh, sure, it’s nice to look at but so is a whore with the pox. This film eschews logic, story structure and adult emotion all in pursuit of slaying Zack Snyder’s Questing Beast, Superman.
In actuality, this is less a review of BvS and more of a review of Zack Snyder. I hate Zack Snyder. Let me say that again. I hate Zack Snyder. I kind of liked him for three or four weeks after watching 300 but then I got some penicillin and that all cleared up. In my defense, Zack Snyder is the devil and no amount of scorn or derision is too great for him. He is The Great Beast, The Enemy, The Fiend from Abaddon. He’s Lex Luthor only with hair. Hair and great reserves of malignant stupidity. He’s the kind of villainous egomaniac that requires entirely new curse words. The best I can come up with is twatiferous.
So, why was this imp from Perdition allowed to direct such an important movie? Because Zack Snyder has a hate flavored hard-on for Superman. The suits at Warners have always been embarrassed by Superman and they wanted a director that would treat him with appropriate scorn. Well, they got their wish. Snyder, the dimestore wunderkind really wanted Kal-El dead. Well, he got his wish too. The money mafia at Warner Brothers gave the nod to his contract on The Man of Tomorrow and the wheels were set in motion. Armed with $250,000,000 of somebody else’s money and a 40 cent script, Zacko went to war. But Snyder didn’t just kill Supes, he climbed the tallest ladder money could buy and took a style-over-substance shit on the last son of Krypton’s grave. Clark Kent fell before the withering storm of DC’s “gritty vision” along with story structure, good taste and 75
years of DC Comics’ history.
Snyder is nothing more than a fast-talking thief. A conman. A hack. He has been coasting on his (alleged) past accomplishments, 300 and Watchmen, for years now. Although both films were visual feasts they had the emotional depth of Danish zoo porn (Ja, it is a very handsome horse!). Now, most people are going to tell you that comic book movies aren’t the place to look for depth of feeling and grandiose meaning. Fine. What-the-fuck-ever. Let’s entertain your absurdly elitist notion for a moment. Comic book movies can’t have meaning or gravitas. That leaves us with Snyder’s action sequences (which are incoherent clusterfucks) and his legendary visuals. Well, how about those notorious visuals? Snyder made his cinematic bones with the two films I already mentioned, 300 and Watchmen. In those films, Snyder simply took the comic book source material, cut them up, stuck them on the wall and then recreated the frames using CGI. His actors were barely more than props. Loud, oily props but props none the less. Snyder was seldom called on to have an original idea. In fact, wherever he deviated from the color scheme of the original Watchmen his choices proved to be bad. Snyder’s palette consists of the colors black, dark black, shadowy black and grimace.
Snyder does have a certain talent for surrounding himself with good craftsmen (except where script writing is concerned). The props, costumes and sets of his films look marvelous. Right up until he blows the shit out of everything in sight. And that is destined to happen…always. Because at heart Snyder is an adolescent boy. He likes his actors to yell. He loves a big, un-ironic “NOOOOOOOOO!!!” He likes big explosions. He likes killing sacred cows. But he doesn’t care about making hamburgers. He just really fucking hates cows. And he hates you for liking cows. Stupid Cows!
This morning I was reading some comments on IMDB. The phrase “Superfag” came up frequently. There was a gaggle of adolescent boys there that were drooling and typing with one hand while they stroked to the thought of Batman killing “Superfag”. That’s Snyder. That’s how deep his vision runs. These boys made it clear that “Superfag” was boring and that you couldn’t write interesting stories about him. A sentiment which Snyder is delighted to share with anyone still willing to interview him. Maybe when his balls drop he’ll make a real movie. Until then we’re left with his adolescent oeuvre of incomprehensible turds that he calls filmmaking. His hormonal howlers. His misbegotten, ill-conceived “vision” that leads him to ass rape the work of real artists while he mocks his audience if they squirm or wince.
Since Snyder has repeatedly made it clear that he hates Superman, he was the obvious choice to direct first Man of Steel and then Dawn of Franchise. After all, Warner Brothers’ has always been afraid of their comic book properties and they wanted a director that would treat those properties with appropriate disdain. Well, congratulations, you ninnyhammers, you put the reins in the hands of a talentless madman and he drove the franchise right into the ditch. He took the most recognizable superhero on the planet, turned him into a mopey, angsty douche-canoe. Then, just for shits and giggles, Snyder killed SuperMorrissey. And don’t believe any of Snyder’s nonsense arguments about story structure requiring Supes’ death. There were two other heroes there that could have carried that spear.
Our boy Zack was laughing it up just the other day about killing Jimmy Olsen in the opening minutes of BvS. That’s the coin of his character, pissing in the face of fans and on the grave of a character he didn’t begin to understand. Just like Superman…or Lex Luthor…or Batman. Snyder thought it was important to have Superman kill Zod in Man of Steel because he felt his vision of the character trumped everything that came before. Essentially, he was saying, “Fuck you, fanboys! Look at the death toll!”. As if to justify his criminal handling of Superman he proceeded to transform Batman into a sadistic mass murderer. For fuck’s sake, Batman kills multiple men just because they have something he wants and they won’t let him steal it. He uses every kind of gun he can lay his hands on. Yes…guns…the very thing that killed his parents. In the end, Gotham, the city that Bruce Wayne has dedicated his entire life to serving, falls to ashes around his pointy ears…and he stops to mourn Superman? This is Snyder’s gritty vision for DC’s cinematic universe? This isn’t about Snyder having a vision, it’s about him seeking to snuff out everyone else’s. He’s a Philistine. He’s the Taliban of filmmaking. He’s fucking Osama bin Laden with a camera.
I know nothing I can write will keep you from seeing this winged turd. Hell, I went in knowing it would be a shit sandwich. But, like those films they show you in Driver’s Ed, I had to look (Actually, those Driver’s Ed flicks had a more sensible plot than this fiasco). Just do us all a big favor. Try to avoid seeing this film for a few weeks. Let it slip out of the number one spot. Let its box office numbers drop. Don’t let it be the biggest film of the Summer. Send a message to Warner Brothers’ that Snyder is the antichrist and needs to be drowned in holy water. For the love of God, Montressor, do everything you can to keep Warner Brothers’ from letting this monkey-fucker sit in the director’s chair for Justice League!
Anyway, that’s just my opinion. But I’m always right. Mostly.
He also sings for the Supra-70s band, RIFLE.